Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
