you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
