Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
