I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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