Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?