He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important