and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just found a bag of teeth...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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