Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Actions speak louder than pants.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
organizing the empties. That sober.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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