In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
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Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How many fucks given?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n