The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
