non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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