The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You need a sexual gate keeper
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
