woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it's like heaven, but drunker
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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