he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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