I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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