You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
