My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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