Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
