She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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