using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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