she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
