his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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