do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
