guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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