i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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