Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
