I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
