Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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