I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish i was in the wii world.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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