i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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