Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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