Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
