Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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