Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
