Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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