Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
