...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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