Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
