Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
