Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
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Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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