I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
