Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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