If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
