Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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