The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
