Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
