i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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