Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
