WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
being pregnant is like rehab
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
