No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
