If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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