What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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