Just fell off a train. Bad.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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