One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
