the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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