i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
