You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this boner is exhausting
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
