drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have feelings that need drinking.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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