mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
