They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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