the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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