Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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