Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
