he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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