hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
